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| Sunday The scene opens in a hotel room. The only lights is coming from a small crack in the window curtains. The light reveals there are two occupied beds. In one bed is Cameron, sleeping on his stomach, face toward the camera on the bureau across the room from him. In the other bed is Sharc, sleeping on his back. There is a small table between the two beds and on that table is a lamp and a telephone. The telephone begins ringing loudly. It rings a second time before Sharc lets out a loud groan and screams something into his pillow. He reaches for the phone and picks up the receiver. SHARC: (Mumbles something. He then pushes himself up a bit.) Hey. How are ya? What time is it? Already? Damn. You did? Yeah, sure. You know the room, right? Give us about a half hour though. We'll be heading out a little later today. The plane leaves tonight at about 6 or 7. I'm not sure. I'll let you know for sure when you get here. Yeah, you're all taken care of. Trust me. See you soon. Sharc hands up the phone and stands up. He looks over at the camera. SHARC: (Beep) head, you left the camera on all night. Moron. (He kicks Cameron in the back stiffly.) CAMERON: Oweee. SHARC: Get up fat ass. It's already noon. CAMERON: Oh cool, time to get high. Got any weed? SHARC: Shut up. CAMERON: (He laughs sarcastically and pushes himself up.) Was the Chelsea? SHARC: Yeah. CAMERON: So she's coming with us then? SHARC: Yeah. CAMERON: Are you two, like, gonna be together? SHARC: I don't know yet. We'll see. I've got to shower and (beep). I'm not going in there after you. 30 Minutes Later We open up back in the hotel room. Now the shades are drawn wide open. The television is on, tuned into Fox for the day's big football game. The beds are made. The carpet is green, and the walls are striped white and blue. Various paintings hang on the walls. Chelsea is laying in bed with Sharc, her head on his stomach. He is wearing a Tennessee hockey jersey and black pants. She is wearing pale blue jeans, no shoes and a white top with an unbuttoned white blouse shirt over it. SHARC: Volunteer's game. CHELSEA: Who is Volunteer? The guy you're wrestling? SHARC: Yeah. CHELSEA: (She looks up at him.) He's that tall guy who loses all the time, isn't he? SHARC: I thought you didn't watch TWW? CHELSEA: Okay, I lied to you. My boyfriend loves TWW. I watched every single show with him, until Friday, which I watched alone. And I saw you. Maybe it was fate. SHARC: Darling, I bet you'd be saying this to Andy Extreme if he happened to be down at that bar instead of me. CHELSEA: (She pushes herself up.) Rich, I swear I wouldn't. Andy Extreme. Who is he? SHARC: Hey Cam, you got those promos he did? CAM: Yeah. But we don't have a VCR in here. CHELSEA: What about this Volunteer guy. Shouldn't you be concentrating on him? SHARC: Yeah, but I just enjoy pissing off Andy. Quickly, I'll address Volunteer, but then we must deal with Andy's extreme delusions. Volunteer, it's real simple. Just like I said yesterday. You've got nothing. You're big, fat, lazy and slow. You can't run with the big boys, even though you're bigger than most of the boys. I'm talking talent when I say big boys. You get up to a certain point, and then your world collapses. Just remember. Tuesday, I'll give you a key to freedom. It's up to you to open that door. CHELSEA: Let's go get a VCR. 20 minutes later. We open in some sort of large conference room. A 19 inch TV is strapped to a tall TV cart, and there is a VCR on the middle shelf. A stack of video tapes are on the floor in front of Sharc and Chelsea, who are sitting, arms around each other, on a white couch in the middle of the room. The carpets and walls are also red in this part of the hotel. CHELSEA: (Looking to her left at the camera) Hello everyone, and welcome to Bad Promo Theater 2000. Tonight's feature is going to be a wonderful B-roll starring none other than the self-proclaimed Extreme One, the most extreme individual walking this earth. But I was watching TV the other night, and I saw a guy who had a spike mohawk on Ripley's Believe it Or Not, so I'm not sure if you are really so extreme Mr. Andy. CAM: A spike mohawk? CHELSEA: Yeah, he has spikes implanted in his head and he spun spikes into his head and it was his hair. It was really freaky. Now, that my friends, is extreme. SHARC: (Handing her a tub of popcorn.) Here you go darling. CHELSEA: You mean, you're not gonna try the popcorn trick. SHARC: I don't need to resort to that with you. You can hold the popcorn. But if you want to pop a hole in the bottom and unbutton your jeans, I won't complain. CHELSEA: (She smiles widely and looks back at the camera.) Here we go. Strap yourself in for this. The camera circles around behind the couch so we only see the TV screen and the top of Sharc and Chelsea's heads. On the TV, we see clips from the classic Andy Extreme promo title "Who's next." SHARC: Now, Chelsea, before we go any further, just to further point out how he rips off everything, he just stole Goldberg's catch phrase right there. CHELSEA: Oh yeah, that Jewish guy. Yeah. SHARC: Okay, where's fast forward. Okay, here we go. This is a good part. ANDY (on TV): I was pitted against Volunteer and the loserweight champion Snake Eyes. (The video is paused.) SHARC: Now, who came up with the loserweight tag? Gee, wouldn't that be someone in the cruiserweight title match. Hmm, could it be, Shawn Walsh. CHELSEA: And Andy Extreme, you are no Shawn Walsh. SHARC: Is that an insult or compliment. CHELSEA: Does it matter? Both suck compared to you honey. SHARC: I know, I know. Okay, let's fast forward a bit again. ANDY ON TV: . . . you are sadly mistaken, it's gonna be just another victim (the screen pauses.) SHARC: (Monotone) Anyone, anyone. Who is he trying to be now? CAM: (Like that guy from Welcome Back Kotter) Oooh, oooh, oooh. I know. CHELSEA: Tazz maybe? SHARC: Damn woman, you know this sport don't you. CHELSEA: Yeah. SHARC: You rock. Okay, let's move ahead some more and see what other gems this original guy can come up with. ANDY ON TV: . . . sick and tired of playing in the minor league. CHELSEA: Why'd you pause it on that. SHARC: I don't know. I can't say for sure, but I think he's stealing from every player in the triple-A baseball promotions, or, in wrestling, WCW. CAM: You mean everyone in WCW wants to work in the WWF. SHARC: Right. CHELSEA: WWF sucks though. They have no stories besides frigging Kurt Angle and Triple-H. The Rock sucks. SHARC: Oh, you rule. Let's keep going. Wait, first, to prove we are truly the coolest people in the world, we should say the four words that will make every jackass watching this go vomit. You know the four I mean? CHELSEA: Are the initials VRIG? SHARC: Yeah. CHELSEA AND SHARC: Vince Russo is GOD! Choke on that slap nuts! CAM: Man, you guys are bad people. Vince McMahon is God. Or Foley. Though, if Vince Russo is God, it might explain why life sucks so much. ANDY ON TV: By the way, yeah me and my wife are now separate due to me not being able to trust that slut, and what do I think about that. SHARC: Who gives a (beep). Your wife's a whore (he says talking over the video.) CHELSEA: You know, most women cheat because their men just don't satisfy them. I guess one place Andy was extreme was in the bed. SHARC: Huh? CHELSEA: He must have been extreme-ly bad for her to go grab some warm body off the street. And wasn't that whole scene almost like something off of a certain white rapper's album who shall remain nameless. CAM: (Cough)EMINEM(cough). SHARC: Oh come on, domestic violence is a universal thing. I'm not gonna trash him for that. You callous bitch. I love you. ANDY ON TV: Now onto Sharc. This guy wanted to stir (beep) with me a few days ago saying he didn't like my promos and how he thought I was imitating a few people from this fed. CHELSEA: Not to mention OTHER FEDS. ANDY ON TV: . . . During my match on Friday he shows his face through the curtains, then when he saw the mayhem I had caused in the ring he thought better of it. I mean, why would anyone blame him, who would want a piece of this . . . Sharc, you are simply not man enough to take me on. Nor do you have the balls to take me on, in a good fight and live to say you played the psychotic game with the "Extreme One." The truth is nobody can match my measure of extreme. I am the epitome of Extreme. SHARC: See, we have a wrestler called Epitome of Evil. He rules, This guy is riding his coat tails, hoping for the rub. What a douche bag. ANDY ON TV: I play no games. If you don't buy me, try me! . . . I am the most extreme individual walking this earth. CHELSEA: Never heard that one before. CAM: (Cough)EVERYFED(cough). SHARC: Oh wait, coming up next is the part where Andy takes of Anarchist's life. He goes to a bar and threatens to beat up people and drink. Very original. And Anarchist sucked! Why copy him. Didn't Anarchist also say HE was the most extreme person on this planet? CHELSEA: Oh, Rich, turn this (beep) off. I'm bored. Bring that camera around here Cam. SHARC: But I didn't even get to show you how he rips of Stone Cold, DDP and Bret Hart, and who knows who else. Wait, at least let me play one thing. Where he talks about Volunteer. It worked good enough for him to beat Vol and Snake Eyes, maybe it will work for me. It'll be like pay back. He borrows from me, wins a match, then I borrow from him and win the match. See, Andy's all full of himself because he beat Volunteer. Big deal. I'll beat him Tuesday too. Because, as Andy says, and I'll give you credit Andy, I don't like Volunteer. He's not in my league, even though we are technically both in TWW, but that's another story for another day. Look, here it is so even Andy and Volunteer can understand. You two are nothing to me. I am a steam roller, and you are going to be roadkill. Got it? Good. But Andy, I'm gonna make you wait. I'm gonna annoy the living hell out of you just because you are so much fun to annoy. You know why I didn't come down to the ring? I didn't feel like it. Chelsea, I know this is a little forward and all, but could you just stick your hand in my crotch and let Andy know if I've got balls. CHELSEA: (She puts her hand under his crotch and massages him a bit.) Oh yeah. SHARC: (Clears his throat.) Andy, Volunteer, and everybody else. I hate all of you the same. You are all walking corpses. Volunteer, Tuesday you will be sent back to homeless shelters where maybe you can do something without (beep) up all the time. Volunteer there. Don't Volunteer to get your ass kicked twice a week. Especially when you and I both know you want my razor. It won't cost you a thing, just your life. And Andy, oh Andy. A man who has nothing to live for. Well Andy, titles don't mean jack (beep) at night. I'm looking forward to fighting you. Whenver I, key word, I, feel like it. You see, if the people booking this crap put you and I together before I feel like it, I won't show up. We're doing this on my terms. And if you don't like it, well, I got two words for ya. Die bitch. Static |
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