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| SHARC: Man, this brings back some memories. We open in a car. Cameron is driving them into the lot of the Icenter in Salem, New Hampshire. As they take a left into the entrance, the camera catches the scrolling light sign: XWL: Sinner's Eve Live Broadcast Tonight Sold Out! Cameron drives to the side of the big blue building and parks. The camera turns to Cameron in the driver seat, and then Chelsea in the back seat. SHARC: Man I hope this works. These guys are like family. Static Sharc and Chelsea are tailed by Cam up the front steps of the building. Sharc opens the door for both to go in before him. Static We are in the Icenter. Sharc is sitting in a row of empty blue plastic chairs. The ring is being constructed. Chelsea is standing against the wall in the background. VOICE: Sharc? SHARC: (He turns to his left. A man with short brown hair and an emotionless face is quickly approaching.) Good to see you man. MAN: I never thought I'd see your ugly face around here again. The two shake hands. The man then grabs Sharc, sets him up for a suplex, but Sharc punches the man in the midsection to get free. SHARC: Always testing me, aren't you? MAN: You're my project. Everything you accomplish, you have ME to thank for. I told Leary you would be big. He just never liked you that much. How is John? SHARC: Busy. But I'm glad I went. Chelsea, come over here and meet my mentor. CHELSEA: (She sheepishly walks up the aisle and stops beside Sharc.) Hi. SHARC: Chelsea, this is Serpent. CHELSEA: Serpent? Doesn't he have a real name? SERPENT: Didn't you teach her anything. Honey, we are our characters when we're together. It's just a hell of a lot easier that way. I mean, this is all like acting. We put on a show. If I go and call Sharc by his real name by accident, I'll crack up. SHARC: Dude! SERPENT: I know, touchy subject. He used to be our rookie bitch here. I always did want to (beep) you on TV once. SHARC: I would've kicked your ass. And don't forget, I beat your old ass. SERPENT: Shut up. CHELSEA: So, you taught Sharc everything he knows? SERPENT: Yeah. We brought him in as a nothing and turned him into something special. I mean, he had a great character all set up back when we signed him. But, he couldn't work for (beep). And sorry about my (beep) mouth, I'm just so used to swearing on our show, I mean, we're hardcore, and it's just like second nature to me. CHELSEA: It's cool SHARC: She curses like a sailor, don't worry about it. SERPENT: Yeah, so, me and about four other guys really took a liking to this guy's attitude. He spent ridiculous amounts of hours setting up the rings, the sets, buying us food out of his own money. He was dedicated to this sport. We all saw it in him. He wasn't in this for the money. He truly loves wrestling. And I respect him a hell of a lot more than most of the boys in our locker room. SHARC: See, the Serpent is perhaps the greatest heel I've ever seen. I grew up watching him back in wherever he used to be. But when he helped get this fed up and running, he become a God in my eyes. SERPENT: Dude, shut the (beep) up. SHARC: I am serious. This guy did the greatest promos I have ever seen. Man, remember when you caused all that controversy with that fake heel turn. SERPENT: Oh dude, that was the capper to my great career. That was perhaps the greatest feud I was ever a part of. It's too bad it didn't get the chance to completely play out, but I think we salvaged it. CHELSEA: What was this? SHARC: There was another wrestler. Heat Seeker. The two of them teamed up to fight two other guys. They were leading up to our first ever barbed wire match. A tag match. So, Heat crashes his car. Serpent doesn't know a thing about it, but they were playing it up like these guys had become best friends. So, the guy's wife goes to Serpent and tells him about the serious accident. Serpent brings her to the ring to tell everyone about it. Serpent asks for a moment of silence to pray for him. Then, he goes, oh, one more thing, and decks her! And he brainbusts her. CHELSEA: What! That's sick! SERPENT: I know, I know. Serpent's are evil creatures. SHARC: But then, to top it off, he strips her completely naked on TV! CHELSEA: Oh God. SERPENT: See how she reacts? Even describing it makes her sick. Chelsea, I became an outlaw in the wrestling world. Everybody was calling for me to be fired. But the ratings for that segment were huge! And forget about the next weeks show. And things only got worse as a couple weeks later, I stabbed Python with the scissors. CHELSEA: WHAT! That is so horrible! And this is a TV show? SERPENT: Hey, we're rated M! CHELSEA: What kind of wrestling show is this? SERPENT: We're hardcore baby. SHARC: So dude, I'm here for two reasons. One, was, obviously, to see all my old buds. But there is another reason. Chelsea thinks I should become a face. SERPENT: Really? CHELSEA: Why are you asking him? SHARC: Because he is the most over face in XWL now. SERPENT: Actually, not anymore. I'm up there, but I'm not tops. So, what, you're looking for some advice on how to get over with the fans then? SHARC: I've done some sick (beep) so far. SERPENT: Like what? SHARC: Well, in one of my promos, I talked about how a guy was obsessed with his dead parents. I did a whole suicide rant where I basically tried to convince him he should commit suicide instead of fight me. SERPENT: Cool. Did you win? SHARC: Yeah. SERPENT: Sweet. And? SHARC: Well, then I tried to get darker. So I got a new finisher. The inverted brainbuster. Cain's move. So, to introduce the move, I filled up a tub with water and drove a six-inch knife blade into the palm of my hand. SERPENT: Sweet. SHARC: Wanna see the wound? SERPENT: Yeah. SHARC: (He takes off his left glove. He holds out the mess.) It looks like somebody vomited all over my hand, doesn't it. SERPENT: Is it infected? SHARC: No, it's healing. SERPENT: You say so. It looks infected to me. SHARC: Anyway, that was just to prove a point. But then, she got all freaked out. SERPENT: Did you win? SHARC: No. SERPENT: Who'd you fight. I've seen a bit of TWW. SHARC: A guy named Dysan. SERPENT: Don't know him. Is he good. SHARC: Very good. SERPENT: I'll have to meet him. So what did he talk about. SHARC: Well, he reacted to what I said in my promo. I basically insulted his dead parents. SERPENT: Sweet. SHARC: They died in a plane crash, so I just did a whole they're rotting in hell and still crying about their failure of a son. SERPENT: Oh, I have taught you well. Go on. SHARC: So, he gets pissed and threatens to kill me. He's why I have some of those stitches in my head. SERPENT: So? Like I give a (beep). Yeah? SHARC: And I said his wife would leave him if I destroyed him. SERPENT: Oh, that's where you failed man. What'd you go the divorce route? That's so, unimpressive. What you should have said was this, what's her name? SHARC: Sarah I think. But I don't want to be a heel now, so I shouldn't say this. SERPENT: It's me saying it. Just watch. Hey Sarah, after I break your husband's neck, after I leave him in a pool of his own blood in the middle, and after I beat him so hard in every part of his body that it just shuts down and he (beeps) and pisses himself, then, maybe I'll end the match and cover him. Then maybe, I'll show some mercy. Because I have no (beep) mercy for anybody. That's why I am the best in this (beep) company. Breaking bodies is my business, and it's gonna be my business for a long time to come. And my other business is one I do for pleasure. It's called going to Sarah's house, kicking the door down, bending her ugly ass over a chair and ripping her ass to shreds. Then I'll have destroyed your (beep) body and (beep) your whore. CHELSEA: You're only going to piss him off. SERPENT: What? Why are you interrupting me? I'm trying to do a promo? CHELSEA: You don't have a match in our fed. SERPENT: Dysan sucks, whoever he is. Sharc is the future of this business. He's still young. Tell you what, why don't you go talk to some of the other boys. Actually, hold on, you wait here, I'll bring them out to you one by one. You can talk to Lowlife, The Thief, and Ill. Static Now, the ring is set up like a basic interview set of sorts. Sharc sits in one chair, Cam films from behind him, and sitting opposite him is a man in camouflage pants and a white I'm Ill . . . And Damn Proud Of It T-shirt. He has a bit of a gut on him. He is sipping from a can of beer. He has short brown hair, a plain farm-boy type face and a light goatee. SHARC: Ill, you are one of the most over people in XWL. Why. ILL: Several reasons. Here is what a face has to do. Number 1, drink beer. You drink, right. SHARC: Yeah. ILL: Well, hell, bring a bottle to the ring, drink it, and smash the damn thing over your head. That'll get you over a little bit. And it'll freak out your opponent a bit too. Second, take insane bumps. Did you see the show where I got thrown off the roof of a cage through a whole bunch of tables? Did you see when I fell off the scaffold through tables, glass, nails, tacks and who knows what else. Sure, I was out for a month after both, but when I came back, and after I fell, did you hear the reaction? Hell, when they put me through two tables now, I barely feel it because I've got no feeling left anywhere. I don't even understand how I'm walking or standing upright. SHARC: Ohhh-kay. ILL: If you don't want to do those dives, then fire spots work good too. You'll get burnt, but hey, they have skin grafts. And barbed wire is always good. That grosses the (beep) out of everyone. Looks like you got some recently. SHARC: Yeah. ILL: Okay, then you need a cool T-shirt. Like mine. And you got to say your catchphrase over and over so the fans chant along with you. And you have to say you do all this for the fans. SHARC: Do what? ILL: You put your body through hell for the fans. SHARC: I do? ILL: As long as they buy it you do. SHARC: Okay. Anything else? ILL: Beer. Spots. Catchphrase. T-shirt. Well, guys like hot chicks. No offense to Chelsea, but they want, well, Chelsea's got the breasts, but she doesn't look like a slut. You might want to invest in a slut valet. SHARC: A valet? ILL: Oh dude, I've got to tell Bait you're here. I'll be back when I find her. Static. Sitting opposite Sharc now is a man in a black long sleeve shirt, black pants and black combat boots. He wears a ski hat over his short blond hair, and is wearing sunglasses. This man if known as Lowlife. SHARC: Now, you, like me, started as a bad ass heel. How did you make the change. LOWLIFE: Very simple. All faces have to do one thing. Take a (beep) load of abuse, bleed like a (beep) and win. You also have to be more serious about winning than anything. You need to have the attitude of a winner. Losing cannot even enter your thoughts. Look at the angle I pulled off this summer. I went through the entire roster defending the XWL Title. I beat everybody in the locker room. SHARC: You know the scene I remember most? After that match where you got the brainbuster on the floor and your skull was cracked open. LOWLIFE: And my face was soaked in blood. Yeah. People told me I looked like Mick Foley after his barbed wire death match with Terry Funk in that death match tournament. But did you hear the ovation when I got up on the ropes and held up my title? Nothing like that man. See, if you don't do what you say, the fans will think you're like a joke. Jokes are nothing in this business. So, here are your keys to success. Be dead serious about winning. Have the attitude. Bleed like a (beep). And, whatever you do, act like the fans mean the world to you. Because they make you, or they break you. If they see the real you through Sharc, they'll respond. No gimmick will make you get over. You have to get over. Static Sitting opposite Sharc now is a man in a Rock-like dress shirt, unbuttoned, like the Rock, black slacks, nice dress shoes, and sunglasses like the Rock. He has, a haircut like the Rock. His skin is almost the same shade as the Rock. If you looked quick, you might be fooled. But that is the whole point. That is The Thief. SHARC: Right now, you are one of the biggest heels in XWL, because you've turned your back on hardcore wrestling and embraced what the angle refers to as Fatality-TV, a jab at Crash TV and sports entertainment in general. Basically, a jumble of inane segments and short screw job filled matches. THIEF: Right. SHARC: But before this, you created your Thief character. Tell the fans about that. THIEF: Well, first off, everybody knows The Thief now, but they didn't know him, then. So, for all the people, for old times sakes, and since The Thief is the most shocking man in violent entertainment today, I will discuss The Thief's rise to the top of the mountain. Out of character. (He takes off the sunglasses. He twists his neck and makes a face like he just sucked on a lemon.) SHARC: See, we can't rip off characters in TWW. The president doesn't like that. He's worried about law suits or something. THIEF: What's his name? SHARC: Louis Miranda. THIEF: If this was a cool fed like XWL, I would walk out to my music, get in the ring, grab the mic, stand in the middle, do the fans neck rotation with a look on my face like I just sucked a really smelly chick's snatch, and wait for the fans to settle down from my presence. And then I would begin. So here, courtesy of XWL, the best damn fed in the world, are some clips of interviews that put The Thief on the map from April of this year. Then, after these, I will read from my biography. CLIP 1:"Finally, the Thief has a gimmick. Monkeycrap, tonight you have the chance to go one on one with the greatest one ever. As the thousands" Fans: "And thousands." Thief: "Chant for me realize this. You are in the ring with a ridiculous over the top character who has gotten way too popular in way to short of time and who will keep milking his silly catchphrases over and over again and continue to use profanity and references to ass to stay over. So let's keep it up. You, monkey(beep), remind me of a gigantic ass. Stinky, hairy and full of (beep). Jabrone, I've got a reservation for you at the crapdown motel. So here's what the Thief is gonna do to you. He's gonna take this ring, turn the son of a whore sideways, and stick it straight up your (beep) hole. If you heeeaaaarthe gimmickI'm stealing." CLIP 2: (On the screen, it says "This interview is from after the WWF held their really big yearly April show which we can't say the name of for legal reasons") The crowd chants for the greatest one. He stares into the camera for about a minute, making weird gestures. "Finally, the Thief has a gimmick. The Thief says this. Look at the Thief's record over the last few weeks. The Thief has been on a regular crime spree. I've been maiming and battering pieces of monkey (beep) for what? The thousandsand thousands of Thief fans. Because they realize I am the most shocking character in violent entertainment today. I am fresh off a victory over Monkey(beep). And the Thief says that" XWL PRESIDENT JOHN LEARY walks to the ring holding a chair. Two weak chair shots follow. The Thief stares at Leary. "Why in the hell did you just hit the fans head with that chair?" Leary: "No reason." Thief: "That's what I thought. The Thief says your angle is piss poorly thought out, now get out of the fans ring." Leary is laughing as he leaves. Thief covers up a laugh. BRAM CORBETT's music hits. Corbett is out. "You know, I was just sitting in the back, and was about to vomit. Who in the hell are you. And why are you stupid fans cheering this moron? He's ripping off-" Thief: "Excuse me. What is your name, bitch?" Corbett: "You-" Thief: "I don't give a (beep) what your name is. You come cut into the fans time with your puke stories. And you think that's entertaining. Well, why don't we have a vomit on a pole match. Then, after I beat you with the cop dropper and give you the grand theft victory, I can take that pole, turn it sideways, and stick it straight up your fat, hairy, hemorrhoid filled, stinky (beep) hole. If you heeeeaaaarrrr. The gimmick. I'm, stealing." CLIP 3: Backstage, THE THIEF is walking. SEIZURE comes out from a room and they bump into each other. At the same time, they say "Who the hell do you think you are?" Thief: "I am the greatest one ever. I am the most shocking man in violent entertainment today. What is your name little jabrone?" Seizure: "My name is-" Thief: "I don't give a (beep) what your name is." Seizure: "Fine, you don't want to know my name, then no cops will come after me when I put you in the hospital." Thief: "Are you talking to me? Are you talking, to ME? I don't see anyone else here, so you must be talking to me. So I'm gonna lay the crap down to a level you can understand. If you get in my face again, I'm gonna send you on a little road trip. Here are the directions. You go straight down I'm an asshole boulevard, hang a left on nobody gives a (beep) about me avenue and there'll be valet parking waiting for you at the crap down motel. If ya heeeeeeaaaaaarrrrrrrrr" Seizure: "I hear ya." Thief: "I'm not done yet. Don't step on my lines. Now I have to start again. If ya heeeeeeeaaaaaarrrrr" Seizure: "I hear ya." Thief: "Are we the new Abbott and Costello? When did we begin a comical team." Seizure: "Oh you're The Stone, aren't you? Can I get your autograph so I can wipe my ass with it later?" Thief makes various head movements and gestures at Seizure. Seizure: "They got drugs that can fix that problem. Or are you just full of (beep)? 'Cause when I hear you rant, you always make reference to (beep), and I was just wondering if you have trouble back there, so you focus all your hate on everyone else's asshole, even though you really hate your own asshole. Look to yourself, man. We're not the problem. You are." Thief: "Are you done? 'Cause the Thief says he is bored to death my your boring psycho babble. The Thief says you can take all your analyzing, all your guessing, all your projections, all your conclusions, roll 'em into a long pieces of broken glass, turn that sum of a whore sideways, and (beep) your own ass with it. If ya hear, the gimmick, I'm stealing." Both men walk away from each other. CLIP 4: (On the XWL stage.) "The Thief was in the back and heard a bunch of whiny brats talking, and I thought, why am I watching 'Party of Five.' But then I realized there were no hot chicks on the show, and you two were in the wrestling ring that belongs to me and all my fans. That's why we call it the fans ring. So, unless Jennifer Love Hewitt or some other chick with giant breasts is coming out here so I can have some entertainment, why don't you both shut the (beep) up? The Thief says you, Hack Viciously, you, Trey Rison, and that other jabroni you both hate can all take a ride down whiny bitch drive, take a right onto interstate I suck horse piss through a straw and take the exit onto nobody gives a (beep) about me avenue and there'll be valet parking waiting for you at the crap down motel. If ya heeeeeeaaaaaarrrrrrrrr" We are back to the present now, Thief is smiling after seeing those clips. THIEF: See, when John first came up to me and said he wanted me to become a thief, I thought he meant he wanted me to steal stuff. But he meant to steal gimmicks from other feds, because he liked making fun of them. So, the first creation we came up with was The Thiefomaniac. I wore the yellow and red brother. My finisher was called the ego leg drop. Of course, everyone kicked out of it. That was my jobber character. SHARC: What else could we expect with such a weak gimmick? THIEF: Egomania was running wild dude! Anyway, so next up, we decided to come into the 90s. And who was a bigger star than Austin. So, we were thinking how can we do this? Then it popped into my head. Stone Drunk Thief Osstin. I came out with some unique moves, like I would do the Thesz press, and then turn around and pound away on my opponents balls. And of course, there was the patented stone drunk stunner. I became huge. But I went down injured for a bit and came back at The Thief, The Greatest One, the Most Shocking Man in Violent Entertainment. And I still come out as other guys every once in a while, like I came out dressed up as a pimp and went, It's time, once again, to overkill a CATCHPHRASE. Like the Godfather. It was classic stuff. But now I'm a big heel. SHARC: So why were you over. THIEF: I was the fans champion. I gave them something they knew, and brought it to the hardcore fans. See, they like entertainment too, it's just they like vulgar entertainment. And who better than The Thief. Charisma will take you to the promised land. Charisma and vulgarity. Can't have one without the other. And you need the attitude of a champion. Be the belt. SHARC: Be the belt? THIEF: Yes, be the belt. I didn't say pee on the belt, I said be the belt. Oh yeah, and humor works too. Be funny, charismatic, cocky and vulgar. And rip off blatantly, but change it up enough so you don't get sued by McMahon. Static We are outside of the arena again. Sharc is sitting on the front stone steps. Chelsea is sitting beside him, leaning her head on his shoulder. CHELSEA: I had no idea this would be such a big thing. SHARC: I did. But I think I now know all the traits needed to be a great face. I think it was really good that we came back here this week. CHELSEA: So, is she gonna show up or what? A door opens behind them. Out walks a cute woman with dark blonde hair, wearing a cut-off XWL shirt, black shorts and black sneakers. BAIT: Sharc, darling, how are you? SHARC: (He stands up and they hug.) I am good, you look great. You got breast implants I feel. BAIT: Oh shut up. Yeah, I did. SHARC: No, I meant, can I feel. BAIT: Same old bastard. Who's this. SHARC: That's Cam, who I think you met. BAIT: Yeah, what's up Cam. CAM: Nothin' much. Will you marry me? BAIT: Already engaged, sorry. CAM: Oh, to who? BAIT: Python. Sorry. SHARC: Congratulations. I'm really happy for you guys. Tell that son of a bitch I can't wait to beat his ass one more time. BAIT: Ha-ha. So, you should come to the show tonight. The fans will go nuts. SHARC: Nah, I was nothing here. BAIT: You're like, the first guy to go off to the big leagues. We're still doing these 5,000 seaters and under. We won't be a big timer group like TWW. I saw your match with Dysan. Rough go, huh? SHARC: Yeah. BAIT: My poor baby. Well, if the rumors are true, and you are going to be a face, it's about damn time. All those nights we hung out together, I saw how much you cared about this business. You remember what you told me. SHARC: What? BAIT: One night, we were in the bar. You were probably drunk out of your mind, but you looked at me. And you said. Bait. One day, I'm gonna be the man in this business. And you know why. Because I want to do for everyone watching what the guys busting their asses are doing and did do for me. Making me laugh. Making me feel for them. And giving me a release. I don't want people to be depressed like I was. I want them to look at me and know, I can do whatever I want. CHELSEA: That's beautiful. BAIT: Yeah. I thought it was too. SHARC: I said that? BAIT: When you go back and get your next match, you remember. Out there, somebody is watching you. Somebody exactly like you. Maybe, four or five, maybe more, who have (beep) lives. They get made fun of. They get pissed on. They get yelled at by their teachers, their parents,their family. You can do them some good. You can be an example. Instead of crying about your past, you can make yourself a future. And for God's sakes, get a valet, will you? No offense, Chelsea, but, you don't look like a slut. And, Sharc, needs a slut to get over. CHELSEA: He does not need a slut to get over. CAM: I need a slut then. BAIT: Go get a "valet" (she says sneering at Chelsea.) Get the hottest chick you can. And once you figure out what to say, then you can push her into the background. And you can become the star I know you will be. Everyone here is pulling for you. I know you're gonna be all right. SHARC: Thanks. They hug again. BAIT: Are you sure you can't stay. Sharc looks at Chelsea. CHELSEA: Go ahead. Cam will drive me back to your place. BAIT: I'll make sure he gets home in one piece. CHELSEA: (She kisses Sharc.) Don't get hurt. We're on vacation. SHARC: (He smiles.) Best vacation I've ever had. Sharc and Bait turn around and head back into the building. Chelsea looks at Cam. CHELSEA: You have been watching, Wrestling With Identity. The Richard Hurtz Story. Static |
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