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| TWW House Show. Someday. Somewhere. Days just blend into other days, it's hard to keep track. But Sharc is at the show, along with his group of followers. We open backstage in Sharc's dressing room. He is sitting on the floor in the corner of the bare gray room, wearing a TWW T-shirt, black jeans and brown hiking boots. Also in the room are Cam (the camera man), Victoria, who is in white jeans and a white T-shirt, Shirley, who is wearing pink leather pants and a see-through black tank top over a black bra, and Jenny, who is in a white mini-skirt, knee high black boots and a white half T-shirt. They are sitting on a long leather couch, talking quietly about what they will be doing shortly. There is a knock at the door. SHARC: Come in. JOHN LEARY: (He looks around at the chicks, then Sharc. He walks over to Sharc and kneels down.) How are you? SHARC: Fine, you? JOHN: Good. So what are you doing tonight? SHARC: Aren't you supposed to tell me? JOHN: Well, I told you I wanted you to be a face. Because I like your character a lot, and I've seen what you are capable of. I know what a great heel you could be, but I think we have enough heels in TWW. And they say the greatest heels turn out to be the best faces. SHARC: Okay. So, basically, here's what I thought I'd do. I'd go out there, talk a little bit about Jake Matthews, and try to get over using a lesbian show. JOHN: Uhh, yeah, about the lesbian show, see. SHARC: Dude, this is a house show. And we are rated TV-14. I can go out anywhere and see lesbos making out in the street. We are in Sodom and Gomorrah. And I love it. Except for the fags, but lesbos rule. JOHN: True. Okay, so, as far as content, what are you going to say? SHARC: Well, when I went back home, oh, all the boys say hi, by the way, I came up with a checklist of how to become a face. (He pulls a list out from his jeans.) Here's what I think I'll deal with tonight. Well, as you can see, I've taken care of slut valets. I've hit the jackpot. Look what I've got here. We've got Victoria, the Greek goddess, we've got Shirley, who has the red-headed vamp/whore look down to a science, and we've got Jenny, our blonde porno nymphomaniac. So that's a CHECK. Next, I need your help. I need a T-shirt. A good one. It has to have a quote of mine in red letters on the back, and maybe a picture of me standing on bloody water on the front. JOHN: Why red letters. SHARC: All important people have their words in red. Just look at the Bible. JOHN: You know, I thought I saw this coming. You want 12 apostles. You want your words in red like Jesus Christ! What are you doing here? SHARC: I'm slowly creating the greatest story ever told. Pain, lesbians, blood, death, love, hate, triumph, war, vengeance. JOHN: Yeah, it'll be right up there with the Bible. Okay, well, what did you want to say tonight then? SHARC: Well, I have plan a and plan b. If plan a doesn't work, then I will resort to a lesbian orgy as long as the fans cheer for me. Either way, there will be a lesbian orgy. So my plan a is to, as you would say, shoot. Tell it like it is. Explain to the fans of TWW that I am dead serious about winning and am willing to go to any length to do it. Tell them about how wrestling helped get me through some hard times. And I also need to talk about that Jake Matthews guy. If plan a works, I'll reward them with, a lesbian orgy. JOHN: No nudity. SHARC: Of course not. JOHN: Okay. I like it. SHARC: So let me ask you something. I see all the work you're doing now. When's my push coming. JOHN: You know I have no control over your character. It can't happen. If I push you too hard too soon, all the boys will get pissed off at me. I can't play favorites because I know you. Honestly, I don't know you all that well. You are in the same boat as Andy Extreme. You are both talented, but you've both been here for about two weeks, and I'm not going to put either of you into main events yet. SHARC: F*ck Andy Extreme, I deserve to be named as one of the top five in this company. I have been busting my ass. Everyone in the back has been saying how good I am! They all know! JOHN: (He stands up.) Man, don't pull political bullsh*t with me. You ain't sh*t yet. You just got here. You are not gonna f*ck this up for me. SHARC: I'll f*ck if up if I want to. (Sharc stands up and gets in his face). I am a winner. Winners do not face Jake Matthews as the opening match. Winners do not go around with acting coaches. Winners win. That's all I'm here to do. Because you know and everyone back here knows that I am going to be at the top of this mountain some day. And there ain't a f*cking thing anybody can do to stop me. John, if I have you with me, I'll be unstoppable. I'll have the sluts, I'll have the fans behind me, and I'll have the political pull. With you booking the hell out of this character, I would take TWW to the top. All these other guys do is brag about how good they are. They act like they should win matches just because they work out at a gym. I work at gyms too, but I don't f*cking bore people by talking about it. I watch hours of videotape from every fed to learn. I don't f*cking do promos of me watching matches to show how dedicated I am. That is boring. Nothing that happens in this world matters to anyone out there (he says pointing at the door). These fans come here to see wrestlers beat the living hell out of themselves and their opponents. And nobody, and I mean nobody, is any better at it than me. Jake Matthews is nothing to me. He is nothing to wrestling. He will never hold a title in this company. JOHN: I gave you a shot at Dysan and look where it got you. SHARC: What! The same f*cking week you tell me I'm facing him, you convince Chelsea to turn me into a face. It's total bullsh*t. I'll gladly go out there and give these fans a show like they've never seen, but I ain't gonna be jerked around by you and your short-sighted booking. JOHN: Excuse me? Who the hell convinced Swift to even consider you? Who the hell said, no, he is worth the money. Who convinced Miranda to hire your f*cking camera man and these sluts? Huh? It was ME. SHARC: (He extends a hand.) Fine, I'm sorry John. I forgot, you are God. Let me worship you. Why don't you just stick my ass up on a crucifix so I can ask why you have forsaken me. JOHN: Shut up. You want to go back to hell? You want to go back home. I left them because they wanted to do what I'm doing here. But that fed was great as it was and I couldn't change it. I'll leave you in the extreme division for a year if I need to teach you a lesson. I'll put you in barbed wire bat matches, I'll put you in cage matches, table matches, whatever the hell I feel like putting you in. You get no feuds. You get no mic time. You get no entourage. You get nothing. How would you like that? You like being extreme so much, you love XWL so much, but you didn't like the money. So how about that. How about I put you in matches with Dysan until he beats you so bad you are in a hospital bed for the next year? How about I put YOU in a handicap match against Dysan, Andy Extreme and Syth. I can do that if I want. Louis and Byron may control the main event scene, but I own your ass until you can break out of my world kid. You have to show something great. You have to show you are the best. I am not going to write you to the top because I don't owe you a damn thing Sharc. SHIRLEY: (She comes up from behind John and begins massaging his chest.) Why are you yelling? JOHN: (He pulls away from her.) Hey, I don't need this. SHIRLEY: Why not. You're single, I'm available. JOHN: I am off limits. I can't help you out anymore. SHIRLEY: Why not? Who are you screwing? JOHN: None of your damn business. SHARC: He isn't screwing anybody. JOHN: I don't have time for this bullsh*t. You know when you're on, don't disappoint me. Static We open at ringside. "Dirty" is playing and Sharc is just turning to get into the ring. He grabs a mic from the ringside announcer. The girls get in the ring and stand behind Sharc. SHARC: (He looks around at the crowd, which is indifferent to him, but there are "show your t*ts chants.) Since you people have known of me, I have been, well, kind of a bad guy. I am a man who has broke Loki The Trickster's fingers. I am a man who tried to convince Volunteer to commit suicide. I am a man who at every chance, tried to piss of Andy Extreme (mentioning his name gets some boos). And I am a man who went to a new low when I wanted to slice my hand open and wipe blood all over my face to show Dysan what his dead parents looked like after their plane crash (some boos for that). Yeah, I admit that was totally out of line. So the boys upstairs came up to me and said, Sharc, we think you could be really popular if you would stop insulting the fans. And I thought about that. I'll be honest with you, my first reaction was, why should I care what you guys think. Then it hit me. You guys decide whether or not I have a job. You fans are the ones who pay to come see me perform. Without the fans, there is no Sharc. There is no TWW. A lot of the guys backstage don't understand that. They just want to come in, phone in their matches and leave. I don't. I come here to play every night, no matter what pain I'm in. And I don't complain about it. I just take it and keep going. Every match is important, because every one of you out there deserves to see the best wrestlers put on the best matches. I don't get compliments. I don't get any press. I just come in here and do my job better than everybody else. And from this point on, TWW as you know it, is changed forever. I know you've seen these boring ass, I'm changing for the fans speeches, so I'm not going to say that. All I am saying is every night I come out here, I come out here to kick ass. Every night I come out here, I come out to be the best man in the ring. If you fans cheer for me, then great. Because it really bothered me when I was force fed lines to insult the fans with. Because I was a fan. I used to sit way up in those balconies (he says pointing up high, which gets a reaction from them). Those guys may not have as much money, or the stroke, or luck, as these guys down here, but one thing I know is you guys care about this sport just as much as I do. And I'll tell all you guys what. I see how all these other guys in other feds come out here, spew out a few funny insults and yell their catchphrase. I'll be honest, there is nothing funny I can say about the man I am facing Tuesday on Shockwave. Because, well, his record is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life! The man comes from Brooklyn. Brooklyn! As if that is supposed to scare anybody anymore. Brooklyn is for pussies nowadays. You want to find a real scary wrestler, find one that comes out of Miami (fans cheer loudly). Only the toughest bastards I know come out of here. I mean, everyday is an adventure here. Only the strong survive. And just like the Buffalo Bills are going to be Miami's bitches this Sunday (loud cheers), so too will Jake Matthews be mine Tuesday. Because New York sucks! (Loud cheers). Everything that comes out of New York sucks. The Bills lost four straight Super Bowls, the Rangers suck, the Knicks suck. Mets suck. The Jets will never win a damn thing when it matters. The Yankees will be proven losers again. Matthews, coming from New York, you should be used to losers. It's been around you your whole life, it's no wonder why you suck so much (another decent pop). So when our worlds collide this Tuesday, it will be you who continues to suck. It will be you who gets his ass pinned. Because you are a loser. You will be another victim of Sharc. You will feel Blood in the Water. And you will know my name is the Lord! When I lay my vengeance upon thee, you little bitch! (another decent pop). SHARC: Damn, you guys are pretty good here. And since you guys were so good, I think Miami deserves a little reward. Standing behind me are three of the most beautiful women in the world. So if you crazy TWW fans in Miami want some to see, oh, these three women make out with each other, let me hear you! (Fans scream.) LOUDER. (Fans scream louder.) (Fans are deafening.) Hit the music! (Nine Inch Nails "Closer" begins playing. A song which has been called one of the best songs to f*ck to. As the opening beats begin to thump, Victoria, Shirley and Jenny circle each other. Sharc goes to the corner and sits against the turnbuckles to enjoy the show. The three then charge each other and all three go to the mat. Tons of major league kissing and petting. Jenny kisses away at Shirley and Victoria's crotch while sticking her own ass way up in the air to reveal a lovely thong underneath her miniskirt to some lucky fans with ringside seats. The fans are totally into this. All three girls cry out with orgasmic screams, and all three eventually collapse to the mat.) Static We open back in Sharc's room. He is sitting on the couch. Victoria sits to his left, Shirley to his right, and Jenny is sitting on the floor, looking up at him. Whatever conversation we were about to join in on is interrupted by a knock at the door. SHARC: Yeah. VOICE 1: (The door opens.) Hey, Sharc, how are ya? VOICE 2: Hey man, what's going on? SHARC: Who the hell are you two guys? VOICE 1: Oh, uh, well, we just started here. We're like, new. VOICE 2: We are really big fans of your. Your character is awesome man. You are gonna totally destroy Jake Matthews. VOICE 1: It's not Chris Matthews? VOICE 2: No dumb ass, Chris Matthews has talent. Jake Matthews has no talent. There's about zero chance of confusing them. VOICE 1: Hell, even I could beat Jake Matthews! VOICE 2: Now that's saying something. SHARC: Excuse me, dumb and dumber. Why the hell are you having a conversation in my room here? You guys are, what, the midget division? VOICE 1: I'm 5-5 man, I ain't no midget. VOICE 2: And I'm 5-7 man, I ain't no midget either. VOICE 1: Yeah. SHARC: Whatever. The cruiserweight division here sucks, that's all I know. VOICE 2: You wanna go man? Your ass is grass and I'm gonna cut it. VOICE 1: Smoke it, dude. Smoke it. VOICE 2: Sorry. I'll try this one. Sharc, if you've got the balls, I'm gonna eat your ass! VOICE 1: Dude, it's BEAT your ass. Not eat it. SHARC: (Laughs) Good God, what fools you two are. VOICE 2: Fools! Why, I'm gonna lick your ass! Sharc and the girls laugh hysterically. VOICE 1: Dude, it's KICK. Not lick, KICK. SHARC: (He tries to say something but laughs too hard.) Oh man. You guys are talented. John Leary brought you in, didn't he? VOICE 1: Yeah, how can you tell? SHARC: He likes bizarre characters who rip off other characters. I just figured out who you guys were. Girls, Cam, meet Masked Jobber #2 and Tooth-Pac! MJ2: Hell, the first Masked Jobber got so popular, then he disappeared. Right around the same time that Hot Shot guy left. Coincidence? SHARC: Shut up Jobber. TOOTH-PAC: (He puts up the Wolfpac sign). I'm cool, aren't I? SHARC: Tooth pick! (He laughs). I get it. You ever heard of a g-y-m? TOOTH-PAC: A guyme? What's that? MJ2: He means a gym. TOOTH-PAC: I don't need no gym, all my boys in the back pull the promotor's dick. Now I just need someone to jack off the boss here and I'll be set for life. SHARC: You are the TWW house show crew? This is really funny. I can't believe TWW's house shows are this pathetic! I'm never coming back to one again. TOOTH-PAC: Read your contract dude. You're working them whether you like it or not. SHARC: I got all the stroke backstage here. John Leary is in my pocket. He just doesn't know it yet. Jake Matthews will find that out Tuesday. John will book me a match so brilliant that Jake's head will be spinning like Linda Blair's. Hey, you guys wanna go see the Exorcist? SHIRLEY: Yeah. JENNY: Oh yeah. VICTORIA: Yeah. SHARC: It's unanimous then. All right, Jobber, Tooth-Pac, (he laughs), you boys want to roll with us? MJ2: Yeah! Don't sweat Matthews, even I, Masked Jobber #2, could beat Jake Matthews. (He turns around and trips over the open door.) Oww, my elbow! TOOTH-PAC: (He grabs the camera). Yo hey. (He pulls a toothpick out from behind his ear and flicks it at the camera.) Don't bring it, sing it! Matthews, mang, say hello to my little friend. MJ2: Hello! TOOTH-PAC: Not you! Mang, I've met people at Alcoholics Anonymous with more spirit than you Joke Matthews. SHARC: Joke Matthews! (The girls laugh). TOOTH-PAC: You are going to feel all the baddest moves. The Cavity Buster. The Tooth Decay. The Dental Floss Powerbomb. And then you will feel my favorite move, the Tooth-Chipper. All of my moves are more devastating than any of yours. MJ2: And he's a jobber! TOOTH-PAC: Oh, like you should talk. Tooth-Pac in the HIIIZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUSSSSSE. And if you don't think Sharc can beat you like a drum, well, meet me in Texas for all you can eat (he says doing a crotch chop slide move). VICTORIA: Are you, like, retarded or something? TOOTH-PAC: Surely you can't be serious. SHIRLEY: What? VICTORIA: I am serious. And Shirley is the red head! I'm Victoria. SHARC: Guys, this is all well and good, but let's go already. Joke Matthews, Tuesday, you are going to be left a bloody mess in the middle of the ring, courtesy of Sharc. Because you couldn't even beat these two losers. We fade out on Masked Jobber #2 and Tooth-Pac smiling widely. |
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